307 Quotes by Oliver Markus Malloy

Self-identify your gender? Why not self-identify your species, too? I'm a dog now.

Next time a little edgelord comments "OK boomer" to troll you, just troll him right back and reply with "I bet you like chicken nuggets." All small children like chicken nuggets.

Ricky Gervais, Louis CK, Anthony Jeselnik and I have the same sense of humor. They're just better at it than I am.

All you Trump fans are gonna be really pissed off when your condom breaks and your sister can't get an abortion.

What is love? Love is when your heart has a raging boner.

People have always been vain. Can you imagine what it was like when some guy invented the first mirror? Maidens probably spent all day and night just staring at their own reflection in the dim candle light of their drafty castle tower, back when the first mirrors were cutting edge technology.

You're not the butcher, selling sausages. You're the cow, pre-sausage.

The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds.

I bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like: "Damn, that name is way cooler.