Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.

If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must surrender.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

I never fail. It's just that the people around me succeed more than I.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?