You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.