They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.