If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. - Deep Thoughts ( Saturday Night Live)

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.