If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.

It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.

I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those.. it's called a window.