We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.

CASHIER: Are you a member of our club?ME: Um, I'm just getting hot dogs.CASHIER: That'll be four thousand dollars...or you can join our club.ME: Um, I can't come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I'll join.CASHIER: It's really convenient. Fill out this personal information for the next ten minutes.

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.