Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Abstract anger is great for rhetorical carrying on. You can go on endlessly about the post office, but it doesn't mean you're mad at your mailman.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did.

One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.