America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!