We went into the Dark Woods and I almost had to get gay fairy married again and now I feel really bad and Ryan got bad-touched by trees and Fairy King Dimitri was cryptic and annoying and apparently has a size kink.

Another fairy flew up, carrying a spear and wearing a helmet and not much else. I thought about asking why he had armor on his head and not his balls, but I didn’t think that was proper etiquette while being held prisoner by the Dark Woods fairies.

I bet he wants to solve Ryan’s riddle,” Mary said. “And then he probably wants to riddle his Ryan.

Can you sign something?” Nicole demanded. “This paper? This napkin? My chest? My inner thighs or my wildest dreams? Whatever you want.

You know what they say, once you go dragon, all the rest is just laggin’.”“No one says that,” I said. “Absolutely no one.

I don’t have time for all the relations and courting and wooing bullshit,” I said. “I’m a wizard. I have quests.”“Uh, you’re an apprentice,” Gary said. “And you’re sent on errands.

Look. This has been… fun.” Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. “But I have to go. I’ve got stuff to do before I head out again.” Masturbate. “Wizard stuff. Like… secret wizard stuff.” Masturbate.

The color of your dress really brings out the extraordinary paleness of your skin tone. Are you unwell? Dying, perhaps?

The unicorn stared at him. Then, “Gary.” “Your name is Gary,” Sam said. “Yes.” “Ah. That’s… not very unicorn-like.” Gary scowled. “And what is unicorn-like?” Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Like Princess Moon Cloud or Ethereal Tear or Star Shine.