One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.