244 Quotes by Adam Carolla

California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.

I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ’tardiest of the ’tards like the thick crust.

If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.

I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.

That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.