244 Quotes by Adam Carolla

I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.

When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.

Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.

Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn’t officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh.

I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.