35 Quotes by Alan Coren

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic...being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.

Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.

Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.

Can anything match that first fine discovery of the telephone and all it stood for? That first realization that, contained within ten simple digits, lay the infinitely possible? Out there ... lay six billion ears, all the people in the world available for contact and mystery and insult, unable to resist the beckoning of one small and villainous forefinger.

A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.

Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.