1,237 Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

Brain: an apparatus with which we think that we think. Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.

You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

I think I think, therefore I think I am.

Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals.

FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.

An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.