177 Quotes by Amy Schumer

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?’

Tilda Swinton’s.

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.

Social media is a great tool for all of us introverts and decent people alike as it speeds up the time between thinking someone is great and realizing they’re the worst. I.

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, ‘Look at you! You’re an angel. You sparkle!’ And I was like, ‘I do!’ You believe your parents.

Stand-up is not something that you’re good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn’t have to get over stage fright.

I’ll never forget the day I realized I wasn’t quite the Ford model I thought I was.

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

Let’s all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.