177 Quotes by Amy Schumer

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I’m drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

I have a two-headed bear that I never named. It was a gift from an ex-boyfriend. It was a pretty perfect gift. Soft and disturbing, which is how I would describe myself. I still have it.

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn’t it? By vomiting or using hard drugs – which I can’t afford.

She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she’s like, ‘You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, who cares, right?’ I mean it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

Song “Sixteen Going on Seventeen” is actually about syphilis.

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you’re saying to people.

Sitting and writing and talking to no one is how I wish I could spend the better part of every day.

I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them.

I’m not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.