177 Quotes by Amy Schumer

My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.

You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.

My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.

Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.

I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.