94 Quotes by Andrew Shaffer

Don't needlessly draw attention to yourself. If you're twerking on the beach, a circling pteracuda could mistake you for a wounded animal.

NOTE: In the rare situation a megatsunami washes a T. rex into your path, you won't be carrying a weapon large enough to hurt it. If it's intent on eating you, it will eat you. However, you will be killed by the coolest dinosaur ever. Most people go their whole lives without ever seeing a T. rex in person. Do you know how lucky you are?

We do have funerals for the living," Jill said. "They're called birthday parties.

Can a man claim more than one hometown?

Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel, constantly, but only in my brain.

Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel.

Saying goodbye to the living was hard enough; saying goodbye to the dead was an impossible task.

I shake his hand, and feel the jolt of electricity again from him. He laughs and raises his hand to show me the joy-buzzer in his palm.

She hands me a security badge that says VIRGIN.