369 Quotes by Andy Rooney

One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

Don't give it to Katie. Give it to a bunch of reporters and make CBS News the best news operation in the world.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

Don't pin much hope on the mail, and when the phone rings don't expect anyone wonderful to be calling

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it.

Do you think there's any possibility you could get CBS management to split your salary up amongst the rest of us?