369 Quotes by Andy Rooney

I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts an

Anyone who lies golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

Dogs are nicer than people.

People like to say, ""You're only as old as you feel,"" but it isn't true. It's just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You're as old as you are.

They're gonna wish they'd never invited me. I have a basement full of stuff I'm gonna send. They'll be out of room before I'm done.

I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

I liked not being the oldest person on the show.