369 Quotes by Andy Rooney

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who think they like our country more than I do. Some people’s idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don’t return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you.

Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We’re annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.

We’ve sent a man to the moon and that’s 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody’s ever done it.

The last birthday that’s any good is 23.

My most serious character flaw is that I don’t deny myself much.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn’t that seem like cheating?

There’s nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we’re flattered when a stranger asks us where Maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.

People like to say, “You’re only as old as you feel,” but it isn’t true. It’s just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You’re as old as you are.