286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.