286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.