286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.