286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.