286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.