286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though...

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere “hah.”

It’s always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it’s really tough when they’re on top of you.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’

Doctor just told me I can’t have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one’s gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.