286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, “Just kidding.” I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I don’t have a type, really. But I’ve always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.

I’m trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don’t know how to surf.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian’s act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.