286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black – that way, when I found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a let down.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You’d just be ripping them off.

Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I’ll go laptop.

I’ve always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people’s reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know – I’m so bad with names.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that’s what drew me to them in the first place.