286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

There is nothing that’s off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job.

The opposite of sad is down’s syndrome.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn’t happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.’

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

I would never hit a woman – even if she had a knife or a stutter.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can’t even enjoy it.