286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

The one thing I’ve found you really can’t joke about – and people think it’s death or something – is money. No one thinks it’s funny, whether you have it or you don’t. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

People are surprised that I’m nice and it helps me out a little bit; it’s easy to be nice when everyone thinks you’re going to be a jerk but if people think you’re a nice guy then it’s tough because it’s what they expect.

People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not. You really have to explain it to them.

I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

What do I care if someone doesn’t like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.