286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

It’s impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa’s Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.

I’m getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period. And she’s already 14.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy – I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it’s so different.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it’s easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I’m happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, “Here’s what I would say. Here’s what I would do if I got up there.” It drives me crazy.