286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

My favorite sport is football. I’m a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.

I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Hitler really wasn’t so bad. In the black way.

I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed – if she’s ever going to be good at golf.

I don’t have much racial stuff in my act. And no one’s ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don’t bother me so much.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.