286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

I’m a comedian and there are a lot of things I’m still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don’t like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I’d prefer it to be aborted.

Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got – she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn’t publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn’t about to tell the people who work for me that they didn’t have jobs anymore because I wasn’t going to delete a stupid tweet.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious – nobody saw me.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom’s funeral, while I was asleep.

I don’t think people shouldn’t try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they’ll never meet their grandmother.