286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'