286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

That’s the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person’s blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting – they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I’m older, I’m more of a cat guy.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin’s fault.

I’m fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I’ve ever had growing up could attest.

I’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Tom Cruise’s pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I didn’t care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn’t know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.