286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

Larry King is so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can’t remember the next joke.

Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can’t think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I’m actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I don’t think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don’t embrace them.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn’t want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, “I need you guys.” I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn’t want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.