286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.