286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.