24 Quotes by Arj Barker

Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure – we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they’re easier to track that way.

My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn’t allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.

I love New York, though I’ll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That’s just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.

My general rule of thumb is, once something’s a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don’t expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?

You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer’s. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I’m so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I’m going to die of a super horrible disease that there’s no cure for? Well, whoopee!