24 Quotes by Arj Barker

Nobody can ever learn our military’s secrets – unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it’s pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.

I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.

You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that’s not even a camel. It’s actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.

I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.

From an early age, I was trying to get laughs, but it wasn’t a conscious thing. I think I was about six months old when I first realized I needed friends in life and making people laugh worked for me. By nine months, I came out of my shell.

I never thought I’d be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The ’80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.