115 Quotes by Art Buchwald

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week.

I just don’t want to die the same day Castro dies.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot’s asleep.

I’ve found it’s harder for the family of the patient to accept what’s happening. In most cases – not all – the dying person has accepted his fate.

The irony of our culture is that people are constantly telling other people to go to hell, but no one tells them to go to heaven.

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

The Marine Corps was the first father figure I had ever known.

Being in the hospice didn't work out exactly the way I had expected. By all rights, I should have finished my time here in mid-March 2006 - at least, that's when Medicare stopped paying.

Becoming eighty is a matter of life or death. I chose life. It is a much better position to be in, and it's easier on your back.