81 Quotes by Arthur Smith

Someone once described me as the Zelig of comedy, and I think I know what he means.

Sometimes it's bad to do something you've never done before.

The Bible has no doubt had much influence in its time, but it provides very few laughs. None, in fact.

The book may be garbage, but if it weighs in at a kilo or more, I stand before its author in awe.

The outfits come and go but there is a constant that I like about the catwalk model: the snotty expression.

When I was eight or nine, I wrote a new version of 'Peter Pan' for the school play. They didn't use it - I imagine it was unperformable - but as recompense for not doing my script, I was offered any role, and instinctively went for Captain Hook. I came on trying to be terrifying, but everyone laughed at me.

When they meet a stand-up comic, people sometimes remark: 'That must be the hardest job in the world.' Among comedians, only Freddie Starr is not embarrassed and slightly appalled by this remark.

Because comedy is cheap to put on: if you've got a play or an opera, there's a whole load of people and a set, but comedy is just one man or woman. And because TV has learned to love comics - there's so many more around now than when I started out.

I have a suspicion that a lot of artists are trying to get a laugh but, unlike stand-ups, they don't get an immediate response from their audience; a laugh is a rare thing in a gallery.