41 Quotes by Auberon Waugh

Two things make smoking a virtuous habit. In the first place, the smoker, by paying billions of pounds in tobacco duty, pretty well pays for the entire hospital service. In the second place, by dying on average five years younger that the non-smoker, the smoker reduces the burden of old age on society as a whole.

I should imagine that in my time I have eaten enough horses to provide a royal escort.

I am much bigger than the average chicken, and furthermore I was armed with a rolling pin and kitchen knife. As a matter of fact I have always had the greatest contempt for chickens. They are so stupid that they probably don't even notice the difference when they die, but I must admit that this particular chicken put up a very good fight.

There are many Welsh who are taciturn, truthful, well formed, open minded, handsome and peaceful, even if no particular individual immediately springs to mind.

The main objection to killing people as a punishment...is that killing people is wrong

...judicial execution can never cancel or remove the atrocity it seeks to punish: it can only add a second atrocity to the original one.

...the modern State's greatest single instrument of oppression, its murderous tax on drink...accounts for nearly all the miseries besetting our once-merry land; football hooliganism, colour prejudice, industrial unrest, cynicism about politicians; the list is endless.

At the Serima Mission, in Victoria Province, I am shown around by an enchantingly pretty African nun called Sister Balbina...She cannot be more than 25, and has the most delightful figure. How poignant that she should have dedicated her life in this way.When we come to the bell tower, I ask her to climb up the ladder in front of me.It was rather a caddish request, I suppose, but I had often wondered. Black petticoats and pink knickers. To think I had to come all this way to find out.

Looking back at all the people I have insulted, I am mildly surprised that I am still allowed to exist.