284 Quotes by Aziz Ansari

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

Come on, man, I got a full beard!

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.

I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'.

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'