284 Quotes by Aziz Ansari

There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn’t clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options.

If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word “hey” without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this?

One reason it’s so hard to imagine marrying the people we grew up with is that these days we marry much later than people in previous generations.

She felt HORRIBLE. It was the greatest Valentine’s Day gift I’ve ever received.

That’s the thing about the Internet: It doesn’t simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing and, if we search hard enough, we can find it. And in turn there are a whole bunch of inferior things that we’d be foolish to choose.

We have two selves: a real-world self and a phone self, and the nonsense our phone selves do can make our real-world selves look like idiots.

Even if you say you “don’t play games,” that is a type of game – it is the “I don’t play games” game.

Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket. Press a few buttons at any time of the day, and you’re instantly immersed in an ocean.

A century ago people would find a decent person who lived in their neighborhood. Their families would meet and, after they decided neither party seemed like a murderer, the couple would get married and have a kid, all by the time they were twenty-two. Today people spend years of their lives on a quest to find the perfect person, a soul mate.