99 Quotes by Ben Elton

Screw humanity. I don’t give the whole stinking bunch of us more than a couple of generations and good riddance. The universe is better off without us.

There are lots of things I could have done for the money, but I’ve made a great living doing the things I want to do.

As long as he lived Coleridge did not believe he would understand how a single race of beings could include both Jesus Christ and the sort of people who would download a video of a young woman being murdered. He rather supposed that had been the Messiah’s point, but that didn’t make it any easier to understand or accept.

The internet was supposed to liberate knowledge, but in fact it buried it, first under a vast sewer of ignorance, laziness, bigotry, superstition and filth and then beneath the cloak of political surveillance. Now... cyberspace exists exclusively to promote commerce, gossip and pornography. And of course to hunt down sedition. Only paper is safe. Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar, you have to hold it, you have to read it.

Comedy will always be central to what I do, it’s just an instinct for me, but I am a writer and always have been.

You... you don’t look like a Jew,′ she heard him mumble. ‘What does a Jew look like, you fatuous bastard’? – ‘Do you think I should have a nose like a boat hook, you stupid old prick!

I did not vote Labour because they’ve heard of Oasis and nobody is going to vote Tory because William Hague has got a baseball cap.

Because they’re twins. they’ve got each other, wolf. This is a tough town in a tough world. But no matter how tough it get – our boys will always have each other.

She spoke loudly in order to be heard above the noise of personal communitainers that were thudding and banging all around them. Some people used earphones, some didn’t, clearly believing that as many people as possible should be given the opportunity to appreciate their musical taste. That, combined with the mass leakage from the headsets, created a terrible din and even discreet private conversations had to be conducted at a yell.