235 Quotes by Bill Bailey

A feminist jumps out of a manhole – oh, and she didn’t like that.

Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’

I’m a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment ! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don’t actually think that’s the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote ‘my brain is melting’ ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’

I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.

Relaxed Empiricism – I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.