163 Quotes by Bill Engvall

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!